Poetry/Prose

I Don’t Want Anymore

Image credit: Panoramio "a moment of perfect contentment"

Image credit: Panoramio “a moment of perfect contentment”

It’s just that …

What I always thought I wanted

Still wants me to want it

And I don’t

I just don’t anymore

 

One day

Sometime after I was born

I caught a glimpse of it

Started following it around

 

It took me to many places

Showed me stuff

What I was studying

Was something that never ends

 

But not in a poetic way

More like a dull, repeating way

Not even like waves

Because waves are interesting

 

No

Wanting is more like a factory line

Like a big hamster wheel

Based on past constructions

That strangle the future

Time’s ticking hand, stuck

 

It’s the fragmented offshoot

Of desire

A bug in a program

A cranky robot baby

 

Wanting

 

In that space

Where want was

I grip the moments

And they feel me up

 

Penetrate

So I know where I am

Not where I was

Not where I’m going

 

Where I am

Time moves

It’s a river

 

At nights, after nights

I do drive home alone

But I don’t flinch at the cars

Even the big ones

No matter what they do

Even when they nip my mirror

In this silly town

Anymore

 

Free from all this want

Free from all the weight

Of that silly, silly want

That still wants me to want it

 

You may ask:

What to do if not to want?

 

Pardon me if I offend your wants, but how about let’s just live to the max and see what happens?!

 

Because

I don’t want

I just don’t want anymore

 

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Poetry/Prose

Shut Up, Sit Down and Feel the Pain (stream of consciousness)

This is a cat that graced my life for a year, named Mooncake. He was deaf and pure gentleness. I think of him and feel the sweetest pain in missing him.

This is a cat named Mooncake. He was in my life for a year. He was deaf and pure gentleness. I feel the sweetest pain in missing him.

For this to make sense, you have to get to a point where pain is not some taboo part of your thought process or a step child you blow off. Pain is not “bad.” Pain just is. And it’s here to stay. So why not ponder it, shed light on it, stop being so dang scared of it.

Automatic pilot

Massive waves

Predictability

 

You’re supposed to be fine

Everything is functional

Why not you?

 

Because in all this ease of use

You are no longer friends

With pain

And it scares you

Deep inside

It does

 

 

Give me the 2nd or 3rd world

Forcing life upon me:

Flexibility

Innovation

Execution

The ground

 

It’s nerve wracking

Ego fraying

Relative

Good times

 

What was life

A hundred years ago

Infections

Lost limbs

Childbirth

No anesthesia

 

No matter

 

It doesn’t matter

When you live

Where you live

How you live

Whoever you are

You will know pain

 

As everything becomes “easier”

Pain’s roots defy logic

But pain itself, never

If it’s not beside you

It’s around the corner

You see?

 

A society with its share of grit

But without that

Pain rebrands itself

 

Neurosis

Paranoia

Anxiety

Alienation

Autoimmunity

 

It niggles, constantly

A water torture

But where is the tap?

 

We’re fine

Pain

In the flow

Pain

On top of the world

Pain

 

Like a fly you can’t swat

 

Everything works well

So …

… what am I doing?

 

At the gross level

Making plans

Shaking hands

Getting stuff done

Spinning wheels

Flying high

 

But everyone has to land

Sometimes

 

At the subtle level

The bigger project

 

As it all gets louder outside

We gotta sit down, shut up

 

Or we’ll never trace it

Explore it

Set it free

This pain

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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